Why Being Kind to Yourself Feels So Unnatural
Some days it’s easy to tell a friend, “It’s okay, you’re doing your best,” but saying that to yourself can feel clunky and awkward. Instead, you hear an inner voice that’s harsher, sharper, and much less forgiving.
In therapy, this comes up a lot, not because people don’t want to be self‑compassionate, but because there are old patterns and stories that make it self compassion feel awkward, unearned and even shameful.
Why is self‑compassion so hard?
Early learning: Many people grew up in environments where kindness was for others, and “toughening up” was valued over compassionate self-talk.
Fear of complacency: Amazingly, many people worry that if they stop being self-critical, they’ll lose motivation or “let themselves go.”
Comparison culture: Scrolling through curated feeds can make it feel like everyone else is coping better which fuels self‑judgment.
It feels unfamiliar: If you’ve rarely practised self‑kindness, it can feel fake or uncomfortable at first.
How to gently start building self‑compassionate habits
Notice the critical inner voice: Start by simply recognising when that inner critic chimes in without shaming yourself for it.
Borrow a friend’s tone: Ask, “What would I say to someone I love if they felt like this?” Then try using that same tone with yourself.
Keep it tiny: Instead of aiming for sweeping self‑love, try one small compassionate thought a day, like “I had a rough morning, and that’s okay.”
Anchor in the body: Sometimes a kind gesture, a hand on your heart or a deep breath, communicates more than words.
Practise in neutral moments: Self‑compassion doesn’t have to wait for crises; you can sprinkle it into ordinary days.
A little me moment
There was honestly a time when I didn’t even notice how critical my inner voice was! I started with a rule ‘if I wouldn’t say it to someone else, I don’t say it to myself’.
Closing thought
Self‑compassion isn’t about ignoring mistakes or pretending everything’s fine. It’s about offering yourself the same humanity you’d offer anyone else, even if it feels unfamiliar at first.
