Why Self-Care Isn’t Just Baths and Candles (and What Real Self care Looks Like)
When we think of self‑care, the first images that often come to mind are bubble baths, scented candles, and maybe a face mask. Those things can feel nice and there’s nothing wrong with them – but they rarely get to the heart of what we actually need.
I’ll be honest - self‑care wasn’t something I learned early in life. Even after I became a psychologist, I’d encourage clients to rest, set boundaries, or take care of their health… and didn’t follow any of those ideas. It felt hypocritical, so I started practising the same advice I was giving – at first just so I could stand by what I was saying. But I kept doing it because it actually works!
Real self‑care is more than a treat. It’s the consistent, sometimes unglamorous choices we make to look after our emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing even when those choices aren’t Instagram‑worthy.
Why the “treat yourself” version of self‑care often falls short
There’s nothing wrong with a pamper day, but for many of the people I work with, those quick fixes leave them feeling flat afterwards. Quick fixes like a spa day or a shopping trip can provide a moment of relief, but they rarely create lasting change. For many people, self‑care starts to feel like another “should” on their to‑do list.
What real self‑care looks like
When I talk to clients about self‑care, we often start with the basics, the things that make life more stable and sustainable:
Booking the boring appointments. A GP check‑up, a dentist visit, updating prescriptions, all the things future‑you will thank you for.
Keeping your body supported. That might mean a proper meal instead of skipping dinner, getting some movement in, or going to bed earlier.
Saying no (even when it’s awkward). Self‑care often means protecting your time and energy, not overcommitting.
Doing the jobs that hang over you. Paying that bill, replying to that email, washing the dishes, sometimes self‑care is clearing the mental clutter.
Making space for joy and rest. It doesn’t have to be big, ten minutes in the sun with a cup of tea counts.
These kinds of choices don’t always feel indulgent, but they build a foundation for wellbeing that lasts longer than a bath bomb.
Why self‑care can feel hard
Many of us were taught to put everyone else first, or to see rest as “laziness.” Saying no might feel selfish. Booking that doctor’s appointment might feel like “too much trouble.”
Real self‑care isn’t about being selfish. It’s about recognising that if you’re running on empty, it’s harder to care for the people and responsibilities you value.
How therapy can help you build self‑care that sticks
In therapy, we often look at:
what gets in the way of self‑care (guilt, old habits, or feeling undeserving),
how to make self‑care realistic (not another pressure on your list), and
what your version of self‑care looks like (not what social media says it “should” be).
Therapy isn’t about handing you a list of things to tick off. It’s about helping you shape self‑care that feels natural and sustainable in your life.
A final thought
Self‑care isn’t about getting it “perfect” or following a trend. It’s about finding the small, steady ways to care for yourself each day.
