Part 2: How to Create and Hold Boundaries With ADHD

Part 1 was about what boundaries are and how living without them drains your energy and hands your power to everyone else. If that resonated, you might be interested in the obvious next question. So how do I actually do this?

I think this part is good news. You don't need more willpower. Phew! What you do need is a few supports that work with your brain instead of against it.

So, let's start with your energy and not the other person.

Here's the shift that makes boundaries workable. A boundary is a way of protecting your energy and you can't really protect energy if you struggle to notice what your energy levels are.

So the first skill is awareness. Before you can say yes or no to any request, you need a sense of how much is in the tank right now and what this week already holds. It makes sense, right? But not as easy as it sounds.

ADHD makes that awareness harder. A lot of us don't feel empty until we've already shot way past our energy reserves and crashed out, and we easily lose track of what we've committed to, because what's out of sight drops out of mind. Please stop relying on your memory and an in-the-moment read of things. Please, let's all dump leaning on willpower to make changes.

Practical ways to create and hold a boundary that actually work!

Buy time. Decide from today that you don't answer requests on the spot, which is exactly when the impulsive YES wins. "Let me check my week and get back to you" gives you room to check your energy and other commitments before you commit. This one habit changes more than almost anything else.

Check the calendar, not your gut. After buying time, look at what the week actually includes, and this is where writing everything down matters. Your gut will tell you 'Sure, I can do that. Sounds easy. Probably will only take a few minutes'. Your calendar needs to be telling the truth. Do your appointments also include travel time? Do you include 'stopping at the shop for milk on the way home'? Kids sports and appointments, bin night, calling your friend back? And your work calendar needs to do the same, please ask colleagues to book in your diary for the 5 minute call where they just want to ask you one question, your scheduled time for answering emails.

Decide some answers in advance. If you already know you're taking on nothing new this month or that Sunday afternoons are protected, you're not deciding under pressure each time. You made the call once and now you just repeat it. It sounds like 'Thanks for inviting me, I'm not taking on anything new this month.' 'I can't make it on Sunday afternoon, how about another time?'

Keep it short. You don't owe anyone a long explanation and for a brain that loves to over-explain, that's worth hearing twice. "That doesn't work for me" is plenty. The less you explain, the less there is to argue with.

Make your limits visible. Your own needs drop out of sight, so put them where you can see them. A note on the fridge. Commitments blocked in your calendar like real appointments. A running list of what you're already carrying. Seeing it beats holding it all in your head, e.v.er.y.t.i.m.e.

Notice your body's yes and no. With practice you'll catch the small signals, the sinking feeling, the sigh when you hear the request, anger, or frustration, which often mean no. That flicker is information, and if you don't have the time or a habit to notice it, it passes so quickly. Give it a moment before you answer.

Expect the guilt and let it pass

Here's the part nobody warns you about. When you set a boundary, especially early on, you'll probably feel a wave of guilt (you taking responsibility for how the other person feels) or a fear you've upset someone.

For an ADHD brain that's sensitive to rejection, that wave can be strong, and it's tempting to rush back and undo the boundary just to make it stop.

Sit on it for 24 hours. See if it passes instead. The guilt isn't proof you did something wrong. It's an old alarm and it can settle if you give it time. Each time you don't react to the initial feeling of guilt, it gets a bit smaller next time.

Be patient with yourself

You won't do this perfectly, especially at the start. You'll still say yes when you meant no, and that's normal. Every time you catch it, even after the fact, you're learning.

And struggling with this was never a character flaw or a lack of willpower. Your brain is wired differently, and it deserves tools built for how it actually works, not the tired, old idea of 'just try harder' because so many neurodivergent people carry a lot of shame about who they are.

Remember what a boundary is for. It isn't a wall to keep people out. At the right distance, it's what lets you stay close to people without running yourself into the ground. It cares for the relationship and for you at the same time.

This is a skill, not a personality trait. It can be learned and practice builds progress.

A note before you go

This post is general information from my work and the research. It isn't therapy, diagnosis, or personal advice. If boundaries are a real struggle or if you are in a situation where boundaries are not safe to implement and it's affecting your wellbeing or your relationships, a good next step is a chat with your GP or a qualified professional who can understand your situation.

In my telehealth practice I work with ADHD and AuDHD adults across Australia on exactly this kind of everyday, draining stuff. If you'd like some support with it, you're welcome to book a session with me. And if you'd like something lower-key to start with, my monthly ADHD Support and Skills Group runs over Voxer for $30 a month, capped at ten people, with shared psychoeducation and body doubling so the work feels less solitary.